Another post idea from Blog Azeroth.
WARNING: I'm going to get into some personal stuff here, so if that bores you (not that anything here will be that interesting to anyone else but me), just stop reading. Also, if you're going to be an asshat, well, I'll give you a preemptive "STFU" and "FOAD".
Three years ago I was diagnosed with dysthymia with protracted periods of clinical depression. What this basically means is this: take a graph of a "normal" person's mood and then shift it all down into the "sad" part of their graph (this is the dysthymia), so basically my highs are about where a normal person feels depressed; add a bout of "regular" depression and I enter into what is known as "double depression".
Yeah, I'm the life of the party, let me tell you.
So, my life consists of going to work at a job I despise but it pays the bills, Warcraft and hanging out with my friends once or twice a week (though in the last month I've actually started dating a couple people here and there). But, because this post is about balancing WoW and Real Life, how do I balance them if, in fact, I really do?
According to my shrink, I should play WoW as much as I want or feel I need to as long as I don't sacrifice my RL relationships. When I expressed to her that I was concerned that my weekends were becoming hours-long grinding sessions, she replied, "Well, you got out of bed, right?" Point taken.
As a very depressed person, one of the major things I try to overcome is the sense that nothing I want can be accomplished, that every goal is always out of my reach, that anything I plan for is in vain because life, people, god, whatever will come along and stomp over my plans. My life is a constant struggle against fighting the nameless void that I feel sucking at me all the time.
Enter Warcraft.
I first started playing Warcraft after a major breakup with a woman I had been with for five years. This breakup sent me into a spiral that threatened my sanity. I don't say that lightly. I was going crazy. I would spend days at my friend's house just sitting on his couch, eating shitty food and drinking about a case of coke a day (I also smoked two packs a day, which is why I didn't gain any weight and I'm actually still underweight).
He suggested that we play an online game together for something to do other than argue who is hotter: Kari Byron or Kat Von D (Kat is by far hotter, but Kari is someone you'd want to meet your mother, by the way). I was open to anything at the time, just to give me something to think about other than my trainwreck of a life. And, since the only computer I had at the time was an iBook, it had to be Warcraft.
Warcraft worked for me. This is a game where I have almost absolute control over my toon (well, until I rolled on a PvP server... which I think might have been a mistake in the long run). The goals are easily achievable if you put in the time (I mean, c'mon, who doesn't feel like you accomplished something when you ding?) and with all of the resources out there, it is easy to plan where and what you want to do.
Leveling Amantara to 60 (the level cap at the time) was a therapy that affected me almost as much as the talk therapy. The shrink would monitor how much I was playing and would make sure that I wasn't missing plans with family or friends to play the game. When this did happen, our session would almost all be about why I ditched out on plans to play the game and a few times she showed me how that was unhealthy and how it really set back my mood (and one time, I had a dangerous set-back when I realized that the date I ditched to raid MC wasn't just going out with my because she pitied me, but because she liked me... insecurities suck).
Getting back to balancing real life and Warcraft. Real life can be such a horrible and huge black wave threatening to drown me that I need to indulge more in something that can balance my moods. At work, I know that if I just get through the day I'll be able to hop on Claz for a couple hours and farm gold or run something or just BG. When my life seems to be completely out of focus, this game can focus me and not just when I'm playing. It has helped me see that I can plan stuff out and achieve those plans. I know that I can do something new and not have to be perfect the first time I do it (my first hunter has +strength axes...) but if I apply myself and learn and be patient and keep my perspective, I improve.
I think this post explains some of the low-key hysteria that underlies many of my other posts. You now know why I'm constantly making lists of gear, why I'm constantly worried about raiding progression, and why I hate BGs and PvP (loss of control in this very controlled environment drives me crazy).
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5 comments:
Yo, thanks for writing this up. I also have dysthymia but the meds make me feel completely normal, with highs and lows just like everyone else. Just wondered if you'd considered that option.
Claz - I love you man. I understand where you are coming from, although I am "afflicted" differently. I have OCD and and a Bipolar type 1 personality, with a tendency toward the manic and hypomanic side of things. So - in Warcraft, I have two binders full of research next to me and stress out everytime I go to heal an instance and get very angry whenever things don't go right.
I am getting better in controlling it as I get older, but I could be wrong about that. The meds help, but I don't want to take so many that I don't have any of ME left. Just know you are not alone, and you are in a guild that has understanding - at least from me.
BTW - although you present a very difficult choice...I have to go with Kari Byron. She just has the covert devilish, bad girl/girl-next-door thing going. Plus, I could probably talk to her more on a semi-intelligent level.
Holy crap- so many comments (relatively, right?)!
Game Dame- I'm seriously considering meds again. They didn't work before, but I think a lot of that was the idea of "I don't feel depressed, what do I do now?!" I lost the lens of depression to look through when viewing the world and was completely out of control (for me).
Bum- I think you know why I haven't been on so much lately. I've been hit hardcore with a double depression. It's so bad that I'm not sure if dysthymia is an accurate diagnosis anymore. Or it is, but something else is cooking in this noggin of mine that, in all honesty, I'm a bit afraid of. Seeing the shrink on Thursday for an unscheduled, emergency session. Sounds scary, but I'm stabilizing.
Your diagnosis is so alien to me. I know, the grass is always greener and all that, but what I would give to have energy and the ability to accomplish tasks. That was tongue-in-cheek, by the way. I was told by five different people today to "just cheer up" and it brought out my sarcasm streak.
Now, you notice that the question was "who is hotter..." not "who would you want to spend a lot of time with". Kat, quite frankly, scares the bejeezus out of me. But I'm so into tattoos (I have three and counting) and piercings (I have none) that I swoon whenever I see her.
Hmm - we are all afflicted in our own way, the bipolar thing means I have some down days, and my swings are very drastic when they occur. I can usually tell because my wife and kids avoid me and the dog stays away. I'm not violent, just not very...nice.
As far as the who is hotter thing... see your point, but I was looking a the big picture. I also am a tattoo collector - currently have 5, with 2 in the planning stage. All piercings are gone, had to have them removed for a surgery a few years ago.
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